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All-Star Draft, Amanda style January 28, 2011

Posted by calvin in Uncategorized.
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So tonight is the draft for the All-Star game. Eric Staal and Niklas Lidstrom have been named the captains. They will apparently be helped out by two assistant captains each. I decided it might be fun to go through the roster of available players and make my own picks. What fun would it be, though, if I didn’t pretend to be Staal and Lidstrom? Without further ado, here’s how I see the night shakin’ out:

Gary Bettman: *walks onto stage to chorus of boos, ignores them as usual* Welcome to the NHL All-Star draft! I’d like to introduce your captains, Eric “Neanderthal Brows” Staal and Niklas “Norris Hogger” Lidstrom.

*Staal and Lidstrom wave*

Bettman: Gentlemen, you’ll make picks one at a time until a total of six players are left. Then we’ll just divide those arbitrarily. No one will care anyway since those guys are obviously losers.

*Staal and Lidstrom nod*

Bettman: Mr. Staal, you’re up first. *he waves a sweeping hand toward the crowd of players assembled in front of the stage.

Staal: I choose Marc Staal.

*Marc Staal throws his arms up in victory, does a lap around the other guys, and goes up to the stage to stand behind his brother*

Bettman: Your turn, Mr. Lidstrom.

Lidstrom: I choose Steve Yzerman.

Bettman: Yzerman is retired now. He’s a GM.

Lidstrom: But he’s right over there! *pointing*

Bettman: *sighing, pinching the bridge of his nose* Yes, talking to other GM’s. Because that’s what he does now. Pick someone from the players in front of you.

Lidstrom: *surveys the players* All right then, I choose Tim Thomas. Dude looks like a drunk salmon swimming upstream, but he gets the job done.

*Thomas shrugs, smiles, and comes on stage*

Staal: I choose Jordan Staal.

Bettman: Your brother didn’t make the roster.

Staal: *looks stunned* Oh. Then I choose Jared Staal.

Bettman: He didn’t either.

Staal: But, but, we’re STAAL’S… FINE. I choose Cam Ward. It was in my contract that if I was ever in an All-Star Game and named a captain for a mock draft I would choose a teammate.

*the assembled players nod and a murmur of “Sounds about right” goes through the crowd*

Lidstrom: I want the Sedin twins.

Bettman: You can only choose one at a time.

Lidstrom: *looking confused* But I thought they were a package deal. I mean, look at the way they’re huddled together like they’re afraid of being torn apart by getting picked by different teams.

“the crowd says a collective “Awwww”*

Bettman: Silence! *the players glare at him and stick out their tongues* Mr. Lidstrom. Please only choose one Sedin twin.

Lidstrom: Eeny-meeny-miney-moe…

Staal: He’s cheating!

Lidstrom: Am not!

Bettman: Children, children…

Lidstrom: I’ll take Henrik. He can play without Daniel if he has to, whereas Daniel is completely bereft without Henrik.

*the players nod, and Henrik pushes away from Daniel as Daniel starts to cry*

Staal: *standing with arms folded and lower lip protruding* Oh, sure, leave ME with the dysfunctional one…

*Daniel cries harder, trying to attach himself to Henrik’s leg*

Bettman: Daniel! DANIEL! *Daniel finally raises his head* Go to Mr. Staal’s side of the room. *points with a bony finger*

Daniel Sedin: *mumbling* Want my brother…

Lidstrom: I choose… Lunqvist. I love Swedes.

Staal: Yeah? Well, I choose… Loui Ericksson.

Lidstrom: HEY! You can’t do that! All the Swedes are my choice to pick up first if I want them!

Daniel Sedin: I’m a Swede!

Lidstrom: Yeah, but I didn’t want you. I just figured I had to take you if I took your brother.

*Daniel bursts into tears again*

Lidstrom: All right, whatever. I’ll take Erik Karlsson. SWEDEN ROCKS! *he high-fives Karlsson as he comes up on stage*

Alexander Ovechkin: How come no one chooses the “Russian Machine”?

Staal: Because we saw you in your underwear in 24/7 and we’re trying to get the image out of our heads…

*the players nod in agreement, several looking green around the gills as if they’re reliving that horrible moment*

Staal: I’ll take Chara. He’s tall. *Chara looks up from eating leaves off of the trees decorating the area*

Chara: Me tall.

Staal: Yes. *motioning him on stage as Bettman is glaring at Chara for ruining the expensive rented potted plants*

Lidstrom: Next I’ll take Dustin Baaa…fugly.

Dustin Byfuglien: Dude – seriously?

Lidstrom: English isn’t my first language!

Byfuglien: *muttering as he comes on stage* It’s not that hard…

Lidstrom: Can I just call you Fugly?

Byfuglien: How about “Buff”? That’s my nickname.

Lidstrom: Okay, Fugly!

Byfuglien: Hate these freaking guys…

Staal: I should probably pick another goaltender… I’ll take Price. He likes to party so he must be a pretty fun teammate.

Price: I’m a good goaltender, too.

Staal: *waving him off* Whatever dude.

Lidstrom: Yeah, I should take another goaltender too. Hmmm… *looks over those that are left* Hiller scares the crap out of me, so I’ll take him. Then he’ll be on my side.

Staal: This is getting boring. Can’t we just divide the rest down the middle?

Bettman: No, not until there are only six players left. Right now there are twenty-three.

*both Staal and Lidstrom groan, the crowd echoes the distressed cry*

Staal: *pointing to the first player he sees* You, whoever you are.

Brent Burns: My name is Brent Burns.

Staal: Your name is “guy who I’ve never heard of who doesn’t play in my conference”. Shut up and sit down.

Lidstrom: I’ll take Fleury. He won a Cup. He must be decent, right?

*player is heard in the crowd saying coughCrosbyandMalkincarriedhimcough*

Staal: *looks out, sees Toews, Stamkos, Ovechkin* Wow, slim pickin’s. Ummmm, I guess I’ll have to take Toews. He’s kind of an arrogant jerk, but we can talk about captain-y stuff, I suppose.

Bettman: *snoring*

Lidstrom: I’ll take Ovie, but *looking at Ovie as he starts to come on stage* KEEP YOUR FREAKING PANTS ON. NO ONE wants to see that, dude.

Staal: Oh! I just noticed Jeff Skinner is here! He plays for Carolina so I guess I gotta pick him.

Skinner: Yay! I wasn’t in the last six!

Staal: Only because of my contract, man.

Lidstrom: I’ll go with Kris Letang. I just love his long, flowing locks.

Letang: *shaking his head like a Pantene model* They are long and flowing, aren’t they…

Staal: Who’s that guy? *pointing into the crowd*

Bettman: Wha? Oh – that’s Keith Yandle. He plays for Phoenix.

Staal: There’s still a team there? Huh. All right, guy, come on up! If you’ve survived in Phoenix you’ve gotta be a pretty tough player. Hey, speaking of tough players – where’s BizNasty?

Shea Weber: *checks his Twitter feed* Looks like he’s at a pretty kick-ass hotel. He’s got a view of the Ballagio’s fountains from his balcony!

*all the players crowd around to look at the pictures BizNasty has Tweeted*

Lidstrom: Hey Weber, quit foolin’ around and get up here.

*Weber starts to walk up on stage but runs into the side of the stairs because he’s still looking at BizNasty’s pictures*

Staal: *whining* Do we have to pick the rest? This is BORING.

Bettman: Fine! *dividing the room with his arm* You guys – Team Staal, you guys – Team Lidstrom. Eesh. Somebody get me a drink!

*all walk off stage*



1. C.A.R. - January 29, 2011

Absolutely hysterical, Amanda! Best blog ever! You should write for a living. No, wait you do write for a living.
Not only are you right on with all these guys, you can see the humor in the silly situation the All-star game is in. Enjoyed every word!

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